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Yesterday, 08:14 PM
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| Registered User ?Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Texas Posts: 9 | Help ! My wonderful number 1 daughter has gone from Shirley Temple to DAMIEN THE OMEN!!! Yes she had her LINDSEY LOHAN transformation!!!!! She used to be adored by everyone and now she cuts herself, she had been using dope for a couple of years, and today my husband caught her sneaking outside the house to smoke cigarettes. |
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She has been checked into a mental health psychiatric facility 2 times this summer. They will only hold her a week at a time and then they release her to our custody b/c she isn't charged with anything. I am at my end of my rope. We have her in intensive outpatient counseling, but she shuts down whenever she is in the sessions. She just pacifies the therapist and then does what she wants when she gets home! My H is not much help, as he sees it as me being to hard on her. He thinks I'm punishing her too much and not giving her a reason to want to improve. In some ways I see his point, but in others I am unimpressed with the progress my daughter has made. It seems that she does just enough to get her father off her back, but then just backpedals and bides her time doing the bare minimum until whe wants something else again. Then she does a little more and only enough to get her time on the phone or to go to some event (a dance or something). I am tired of her just giving me the bare minimum and going to her father as if Im picking on her and she is totally innocent in all this! I was not caught with mj in my room. I was not caught smoking outside our bedroom window. I did not leave during the middle of the night to go smoke weed with my friend during the wee hours of the night! Yet I am the bad GUY!!!!! Lighten up a little with her. don't fight her all the time, my H tells me. The thing of the matter is that she gives me her absolute worst behavior, and saves her best for Dad. BTW we all still live under the same roof. Yes this is a nuclear family. My H just wants to give everyone what they want to they will be quiet and he can do what he wants to do. He doesn't really unite with me regarding consequences or give her any real punishment. And when he does, it's usually physical labor rather than forbidding her to use phone, go to homecoming, see boyfriend, etc. he theorizes that she will just behave worse if we take everything from her. I kind of see his point, if she has already lost the things she wants most, why behave to our expectations? Yes, it's much easier to just make excuses for her behavior, say she is just a f ck-up and do what she wants anyway (smoke, weed, backtalk, whatever she wants).
I don't know what I can do anymore! She is as big as me and any altercation we get into usually leads to physical confrontation. You all know who willl pay the most for that don't you? ME!!!|
Yesterday, 08:29 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 2,292 | She will need someone who she feels can understand her, right now she knows that you don't. This is coming from someone who was involved in a lot of crap, drug-deals, debt-collections, gangs, etc etc in my youth. I was left on the streets at 12, so when I reconciled with my parents at 18, good luck to them. Hell, good luck to them even now, because I know for a fact that they don't understand. We reconciled only due to bad blood, and that's it. At this point of time, this is the only thing that could help. I will never forget the advice of those who have been there, done that, and lived to tell the tale. They were my guidance, not my parents. This is an avenue that you can never understand. Please, find someone, ask around, counsellors, friends, there's folk out there who your daughter will listen to. Including me, but I'm on the net |
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Yesterday, 10:42 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: SoCal Posts: 194 | If you really want to help your daughter you will stop taking her crap and I mean now. No offense to anyone but the only person your daughter needs to be sharing with is you. She should be telling you how damn sorry and remorseful she is for acting so horribly. Who gives a shet what she is feeling? You can get to her feelings when her behavior allows you to. She is hurting? No frigging kidding! She is also making sure everyone else is miserable too! Where is the fairness and goodness in that? You sit her down and tell her you are done with her behavior. You let her know that you are willing to start with a clean slate. You set fair rules. If she is over 18 you need to let her smoke outside of the home w/ rules (no throwing butts, etc.) You do not have to pay for her habit. You put them on paper and hand her a copy. You set consequences that sting like hell if she breaks the rules. You put them on paper and hand her a copy of those too. I suggest choosing consequences that rely on her very little to get accomplished. Example: Cell phone turned off. Wifi gets a password and she doesn't go online. Car keys are taken away. These are much better than restricting her as she can just give you the finger and walk out the door. If she breaks the rules (and she probably will as she will test the waters) you MUST be firm and do not cave in. You must allow her to suffer the consequences of her actions. More importantly, you must send the message to your younger daughter that this type of behavior is not allowed or tolerated. If you don't you could very well be dealing with this all over again. You are also subjecting your younger daughter to potential danger from your older daughter by allowing her to be exposed to drugs and people who use drugs. You say it gets physical? The next time she takes a swing at you let her hit you. Call the police. You say she is using drugs? The next time you suspect she is high or find drugs you call the police. She comes in drunk? Call the police. Unless you insist she follows the rules she will not. Unless you make following the rules by far more enjoyable than breaking them she will not fall in line. Some kids are just like that. They will cut off their nose to spite their face. It is her choice to do so. Help her see the error of her ways or heaven knows what her future could be like. If her father wants to move out with her and put up with her, let him. At least your younger daughter would have the opportunity to have a somewhat normal childhood instead of always taking the backseat to her sister. |
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Yesterday, 11:42 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: May 2011 Location: Batcave Posts: 3,719 | Quote:
Why is she self-destructing? Why does she feel unworthy? My friend in school started cutting herself. Went from good grades to skipping school a lot. I'm not saying this is what's happening with your daughter - but I discovered her family was having issues and then her boyfriend at the time was leaving bruises on her. That's when the cutting began. It was a cry for help but she wouldn't tell anyone and stayed with the boyfriend. Fast forward a couple of years, I wasn't at school anymore and received a letter from her from hospital. I hadn't seen her in a long time and went to visit. She'd tried to take her own life. Why? Because she saw her mother trying to take her own life. I can't help but wonder (and maybe I'm projecting, thinking about my friend), maybe she's resentful/angry at you for not knowing what's going on with her? There's got to be a reason she's gone from 'princess' to 'train wreck'.
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Today, 02:25 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 11,095 | Two things going on. First, you are being too lenient and too bending. You should have IRON-CLAD RULES in the house for ALL children, and you need to find a way to get your husband to abide by them - even it if means dragging him to a therapist. The ONLY way she'll survive this is if you enforce the consequences of those rules with NO discussions. Except in terms of someone dying or something. NO exceptions. She may end up with no phone, no car, no tv, no nothing, but that will be HER CHOICE after you have explained the consequences for actions. It's not your job to be her friend and, in fact, if you bend because you feel sorry for her or you want her to like you, you are setting her up for a LIFETIME of bad choices and misery. She needs you to be strong and unrelenting right now. Now, that said, the one thing I've seen that usually leads to this stuff is the kid feeling like you aren't really 'there' for her. You don't listen. You judge. You don't love unconditionally. She wants it and is trying to get your attention. So, along with setting the rules, you tell her and her sister: "These are the rules for the house. As long as you live here, that's what you get. You don't like the rules? You can leave, but don't expect me to support you somewhere else. I love you and I want you here. Now, I'm here to admit that your dad and I may have not given you the emotional support you needed, but that ends today. I'm not your friend but I AM your mother and I love you no matter what; I may not like what you DO, but I'll never stop loving you. And I promise that my days of judging are over. You can tell me whatever you want, and it won't affect that I love you. I'm sure you'll try to test the waters, I expect it. I may get exasperated, but I won't stop loving you. That said, if you choose to test my boundaries like smoking or weed or stealing or whatever, you WILL be enjoying the consequences of said behavior. It's up to you." |
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